Humid

I have that underwater feeling again. Like I've just went under--not struggling for air yet.

Second or third time going under so the water doesn't shock me anymore. It's warm. 

Everything is blurry. 

Everything is blue.

I'm not moving my arms so I can stay down as long as possible.

Sounds are gurgled and occasionally crackly.

Nothing and everything makes sense. 

Nothing and everything makes sense.

It makes sense.

It's Calm

Bubbles expel from my nose and mouth.

Here comes the tricky part

Do I stay under, or do I float up and take a sip of air?

Pinching my nostrils I decide to stay under

Sounds feel like they are getting louder. The splashing seems closer.

The water churns around me, as I realize I'm kicking. blubbles race across my face 

Without notice my torso springs up horizontally. 

I am now facing the sand, and what was unclear is now just a sheet of cream colored canvas.

Black waves of hair encircle my eyes and my head bobbles around.

My chest is pounding and I can feel my body pulsating. Feet kicking trying to reach the bottoms, trying to pump myself out of the water with my last ounce of strength. 

I want to breathe

But, not just yet. 

My eyes open wider than before and my body and mind fill with fear. 

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

What

Am

I

Doing? 

Test

:)

figuring things out

Dear Winnie, 

I have to figure things out. Can I post from my phone? Then I can add pictures. 
Can I send e-mail updates? then I can do this from anywhere...

It's hard to adjust back to the old when the new was so friendly.


anyway, maybe this is a sign to go back to what you know, because what you know never changes. 


See, there are lessons everywhere, you just have to find them.


This seems to be a theme for me: Lost. 

Since I've read the "Wind up bird Chronicles" from my (new) favorite author: Haruki Murakami. I've awakened my feelings of feeling "lost" 

at first I thought, well, it's because so many new things have happened in the last year. Boyfriend, Cancer, Becoming 30, Wanting to move from Part-time princess status to being a real person.
maybe I'm still trying to find my grounding, and still feel afloat? But, whatever it is, it has lead me to feeling lost. 

My newest painting series is loosely based on Mr. Murakami's masterpiece... 
I'm finding out what creates the blocks in my wall, because really...all walls are man-made, and the walls that bind you are sadly made by your own two hands

So, what make up my blocks. Ironically, for me, my blocks are actual city blocks. 

Location means much to me, I guess. But, it's because i'm having a hard time locating myself. Where did Winnie go? Where is she? Lately I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I don't know why I react to things the way I do, verse the way I think I should...

I just don't get it anymore. I feel helpless and just...unsure. 

I've never been one with any answers, in fact, my life (and all of my blogs) have been centered around deliberation, but...at least I could come across some consequence. now, i just feel like I'm hovering above a sea of question marks. 

the lack of confidence is giving me chest pains. lol. 

anyway, I have to make pasta, so i'll continue this later. 

**winnie.

 

time after time.

Old friend, 
we meet again. 

some things will forever be meant for each other. 
I tried to move to posterous, as my last post rambles on about...
but, alas, the shiny new beautiful thing did not hold a flicker to the forever flame of you, my true blue "nonsense and laughter."

If this in itself is not a lesson of the benefits of monogamy, I have no idea what is. My "affair" with Posterous ended--like all affairs do. 

The fancy new site couldn't compete--literally. Posterous is no longer a blog site.

 And so, with the luck of whatever fate I have, All of those juicy, relationship questioning, shameful out-pours of lust, are forever lost in the maze we call the world wide web. Never to be seen again by your eyes or mine. I tried to keep those old words of mine, to view when long nights await, but decided not to. My new life does not need to--ever--visit those days. 



every possible lesson from that time has been well learned, processed, and (hopefully) taught on to others as how NOT to behave when you're feelings get the best of you...

And so, to end this and begin it again, I will say...
Oh nonsense and laughter, you my darling, have been missed. 


love forever and always,
Winnie.


 

the affair to last a lifetime/ the break up.

I've been cheating...
I've been using another source to fulfill my time and needs.
the outsides are prettier, and the insides are easier to use.
It's just cooler too.
we;re more compatible...

I'm sorry to say that even though we have had a good "relationship" and you know me so well,  I'm going to bounce to the new, because...it's exciting. It's fun to get to know, and even though it may end up the same...I'll take the leap for the adventure.

tried and true, make way for the new.

The "new" makes me want to be better, do better, and feel better.
I'm more creative and have better drive.
I...want to be there, and will go there even when I don't have to, because...it's fun to explore all that the new has to offer..I feel alive with my new lover--happy.

so please don't be salty
please understand, it's not you...it's me
please understand that i never meant for it to be this way
and if i would've never met this new thing, I wouldn't be leaving you
but, in the end, i'm much happier this way...

I don't want to keep stringing you along
I thought I could keep you both at the same time.
You being my solid ground, and the other as a new "friend"
but...I can't keep this up no more. it's too much to manage.
I can't keep lying to you, saying I'll be there for you,
when I really want to be there for my new friend...

I feel like shit, because...
while you patiently wait for me to come back,
i know
deep
deep
deep
deep
down
inside
that I'm not coming back to you.
you will always hold a special place  in my heart
but, I'm sorry to say:

it's over.
meet my new lover: :www.winnieiswonderful.posterous.com

**Winnie. 

the tears that almost came.

I found an old writing book between my sister and I, and one of the last entries was briefly about you.

Jokingly, she asked "are you going to keep your last name, or are you going to have his?"

I had a brief moment where I glanced off into the distance and smiled at something that only I could see.
swallowing hard, I closed the book and went to sleep.





Today,

I searched your name, knowing that I wouldn't find anything.

Once again, my eyes fixed on a distant place, and another smile was drawn lightly on my face. Your memories always leave me with a far-away smile.


I'll never admit it aloud, but the soft taping of my keyboard will whisper what i'm too sad to admit.
you were supposed to be it, and now, since the person at the end of my string is gone, all I'm left to do is reel in the line, with nothing at its end.

I can meet thousands and thousands of happy faces that fill my heart with joy, but somehow I know--deep deep deep down inside--- it was supposed to be you that I pulled in close to me.

I should have reached out to you when i could have.
**Winnie.

to sleep. to dream.

being tired has allowed my mind to do almost psychedelic things.
I can feel thoughts in my mind
feel them like liquid is in the back of my brain
and when I rock my head back and forth, I feel my thoughts swish back and forth slowly.

my eyelids are heavy, but still no rest comes.

soon.
soon.
soon.

**Winnie.

11:11

that's all that matters, right?

sending a wish your way.
**Winnie