where are you going and....a little extra.

I can't sleep.
Tonights note will be filled with bad puncuation and horrible spelling because I'm typing this out via iPod touch
Get ready to read through a mess
But that's how I'm feeling tonight
Messy
Incomplete
Bloated
About to throw up
So I may as well throw up words because it's more exciting to go through
Or whatever
I've had a hard time getting to sleep these past couple weeks
I lay in bed
Eyes open
Mind dreaming
Ears taking in noises
Sometimes from my iPod
other times
It's just the silent whimper of
Cars going by to
Lonely destinations
Where are these people going at two in the morning
And why

Tonights playlist consists of violins
Confused ideas
And the clicking sounds from an illuminated screen

December always does this to me
I tend to be at my

Sigh
Nevermind

Tonight after I log out
After this little sceen goes off
And this flashlight of
Light no longer illuminates my face
I will lay in bed
Look up
And pretend that I have no ceiling

That the only separating you and I is the dark
Sky
Goodnight.




--the little bit extra that keeps us all pushing forward--

things I'll promise myself...
but, let's be truthful for just these short moments.
it's easier for me to break my own promises then
the ones I tell you

maybe that's why I'm promising myself...because it's an easy way out

anyway, for 2010

I'll spend less time wondering about your whereabouts, but spend more time wondering about mine.

I'll take better care in making myself stronger, rather than strengthening my weaknesses after a strong blow.

and I will treat all things in my life equally. everything needs work. and things fall apart without the occasional checker-upper, so instead of always lying to myself and saying that love is my last priority, I should be more honest...and work on ALL aspects of my life.
I spend so much time and energy trying to complete things and start new things, but the only thing that keeps me up on work-a-holic nights is the fact that I'm all alone.
and it's the only thing that bothers me so about myself, but it's the one thing in my life i truly avoid.

whenever it comes up, I immediately say: i'd rather be alone
but, when I'm alone, all I do is whine about an internal loneliness.

I'm tired of believing that being in a relationship is a sign of weakness. maybe those weak-minded thoughts is what keeps me believing I'm strong, when really...I fall apart with just a couple of glances and cheap conversation.

everything needs work. and everything needs oiling for better flexibility, welding for durability, and above all....things have to be used, or they get rusty.
i'm far from getting rusty, but I tend to over-do-it, because I don't do it often enough. stop smirking, pervert..I'm not talking about that.

I put my heart in these retarded chains, and don't allow myself the light-heartedness that I realllllllllly need. so when i let it free, it' goes on a rampage. (hi chained dog that bites neighbor and then is put to sleep....)

everything needs work.
everything.

this is a new type of work for me. on the job training is cool, since I doubt there's an employee handbook. let's see where this all leads, 2010.

**Winnie.