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I think I'm depressed

I think I'm going through a very mild depression. When people ask me how I am, I don't know how to answer. 
I'm not fine.

Or rather, I just don't want to go into detail about my life right now. Because if I have to talk about every little detail, I'm going to break down and cry. 

Of course, it's not like everything is horrible. I'm living with Dean now and our relationship is going great, I'm paying off my school loan (finally) and I'm regular on paying my bills, my family--even though we're going through a rough patch, is still alive and here...

So what's the problem?
Everything thing else. 

Why does everything else matter? 
Well, it doesn't really. I wish I could be one of those people who were gung-ho about "living for today", but right now, everything else is weighing on my chest, and I am simply depressed.
Pressed into the ground
Pressed to the wall
Pressed for time
Pressed for money



it's a quiet night.

things are so different now.
i used to have picture files on my computer, so I could just post something and write about it.
now, if I want to do that, I have to log out from the computer, go to my phone, find the picture and post from my phone.

my cathartic writing ritual has been disrupted.

another one to add to the list of reasons why I don't blog anymore...

anyway, I don't need a picture for this.

I'm really surprised at how sensitive my nipples are now that I am in my ripe ol' age of 31.

not sore either. like..pleasurable.

I never ever talk about sex in my blogs. well, I normally allude to it in a poetically creative way, but, who has the time anymore?

anyway...when people ask, have you noticed any changes in your life or body in getting a little older?
I never answer aloud, unless it's like...Dean asking,

but,  what I want to say is: "ya, my tits are nutz now."

See why i don't answer?

anyway. I'm surprised by it. before I swear, a mack truck could have hit them and I would feel NO sensation whatsoever, but now, if I my t-shirt slightly grazes over my nipple, it's instantly rock hard, and I basically quiver like an old man dying...

strange ya?




Got to believe it's getting, it's getting better all the time

So, I'm trying, and I'll leave it at that.

But, I'm trying in a lot of different ways to

I called my school loan people and have started a payment plan.

I ordered two books online, "accounting for dummies" and "excel 2010 for dummies"
I'll need it one day, and right now, getting paid $8.50 an hour to learn something that I can learn from a book (while keeping my significantly better paying jobs) makes sense to me.

And, I researched prices for the car part I need, and also the selling price for my car once its fixed. 

So working out seemed like it would fit in perfectly. In some ways, I think, fixing and controlling what's on my outer self will somehow promote fixing what's on my inner self. 

Lets hope. 



Sometimes we need reminders

Yes this, among other things,happened today. 

It may be the end of my white car days...

But, while I could easily wallow in self loathing and shake my fist at the endless sky, I'm going to take a different perspective on this one.

Maybe it's just to keep me sane, or maybe because that's the way I should always look at "bad days"

I have an amazing family. 
Total first responders. Ready to help, and willing to be there for anything and everything.
Sometimes, well no, many times I've taken them for granted...and that is horrible of me, but i do...
But, whenever I need them most, like magnets placed at the edges  of a table, they come together when I'm in the center and I need help. 

So, I am so thankful.

I have the love of my life to lean on when I feel like I have no choice but to stand on my own two feet. 

I try not to take this relationship for granted, but sometimes, I find that it is so easy for me to dismiss when the times get rough...

And that is seriously something I have to work on, because he is my sunshine. 

And what is a world without sunshine? 


And third,

Tomorrow is another day. 
And there will keep being more and more days to continue on with. 

Things like this happen. I just have to buckle down, save up, and figure shit out. This is a far cry from the hardest days I've ever, I can take it. 
I will take it.

just gotta make wonderful things happen. 
And they will. 

**winnie, the wonderful. 



what do I want to write about? 

sometimes just the clicking of the keyboard is enough to me. It almost doesn't matter what the content is, I just like the feeling of my fingers knowing where to go (with a small tapping/click attached to the..satisfying confidence) it really is quite an esoteric sensation. 

I could write about all that I've learned about in love and relationships, has the potential of getting long and redundant. Then again, that will mean there will be more

It's easy to point out the faults of another.
But, what I failed to recognize was that the faults I was seeing were all shared between Dean and I. I was seeing in him what I couldn't stand about myself.

Yes, there is a old quote that fits perfectly with that, but in hopes of not sounding like a stupid hipster, I will refrain from quoting anyone, unless totally needed. 

Anyway, what amounted from the months of deliberation (which I wish I could've realized in the beginning to spare us both from the tears and over-reactions mostly acted out by me) is this: pure and total frustration. 

I was trying to delegate Dean's life because I couldn't really delegate my own, and the way he was "treating" me was a direct parallel to the way so casually treat others. 

It was far more eye opening for me (maybe) than him. Yes, yes, "taste of my own medicine" fits perfectly here. 

I will continue on later. 
my battery (both physically and metaphorically) are running low. 




Simply the best, better than all the rest

Things are better. 
It's August.
 Life is always better in August. 


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