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11.30.2010

lights will guide you home.

It's so funny that I'm sitting here at my computer, about to write my feelings out about Beau, when just a couple of days I was doing the same thing.... 11/24/2010..to be exact.
I didn't post my writing because I wasn't confident in my thoughts, and now...even more so, i regret feeling the way I did..

Let me open up and share what I was going to post...
I started my blog off about him riding his motorbike, and how worried I always was about him being on his bike. I used to call or text him after after every accident report, and bother him about "being careful" because I sincerely didn't want anything bad to happen to him.
He used to always say "winnie, don't worry..it wasn't me...i'm okay"
and I would sigh a breath of relief , and change the subject to a joke which we would laugh about.

I doubt anyone (except my nearest and dearest) even knew that we were friends to such a capacity.

anyway,  in my previous unposted blog, I went on to say that I was ashamed  of caring so much, because at the time 11/24/10 caring seemed like a blanket which was restrictive and bothersome. I once asked him to sell his bike, so that he wouldn't be in danger... he, of course, laughed that off with his low "girl, you crazy!" ,which I replied with..."ya, well you're silly..."

and as of 11/24/2010, I thought I was crazy for caring.

But, this morning I got a message that  my silly friend, who filled a lot of 2009, and years in high-school with laughter, had passed away. He (apparently) committed suicide. 




Beau and I lost touch for most of this year. I called him early (7:30 a.m)  on his birthday 2/15, the day after valentines...(how can anyone forget it?) and gave him my birthday wish, which he chuckled at...
and that was it. I hadn't spoken to him since then.


 But, I never stopped thinking about him. There were so many times during this year where I thought of him liking mangoes while at the grocery store, and his teachers calling him bee-ow (be-au) instead of beau (bo), or just other little things we talked about over the phone...
his voice is still so clear in my ears, it's hard to believe the opportunity of ever hearing it again is gone.

But, I kept thinking..."he probably has a girlfriend by now, and if I call it would be awkward."  or "he's probably busy with school, and I don't want to bother him..."
or "too much time has passed since our last conversation..so maybe I shouldn't call..."
...

and those things could've been true, and maybe I made the right decision, if there even is such a thing anymore as a "right decisions" by not calling...
...but, the loss of a presence in the world pulls emotions in strange directions toward the land of guilt, and wonder.

If I called him just one of the 29 days of this month my mind passed over his name/face/voice, would things still be the same?
I doubt that I could've made any difference, because...I feel like the choice he made was one of such density that a call from 'crazy winnie' wouldn't have saved silly beau...
but, that's just something left for the wind to push around on long nights, and silent afternoons.

...
(sigh), that's the talk of the aftermath of things that didn't/ and don't add up...




* * *


Since intermediate school,a favorite poem of mine has always been "Richard Cory"
i liked the strong impact of the ending, the lack of explanation in the poem, and the idea of never "really" knowing a person...

I never once thought in my whole life that I would be faced, literally, with a real life version of the poem. And in the real life version, i'm left in awe by the same things: the impact of the ending, the lack of explanation, and the idea of never really knowing a person.

life is such a strange experience, but nonetheless, it is an experience. 




I will miss you forever, silly beau.
I'm happy that I met you, and I'm so happy that I got to know parts of you which really impacted parts of me.
till we meet again to experience life together as friends again!

bai-bai!!
**Winnie.

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