write right

sometimes when I see people in relationships, I get really grossed out and scared.

maybe i'm meant to be the best-friend-forever type, because deep down inside I'm secretly very selfish....

I never want to be with someone who stops me from doing something,
or makes me feel guilty for wanting to do something.
and..maybe most importantly...

I never want to do that to another person.


I just want to help someone, and have that someone help me...
but love just seems like a help that hurts...
 it's an oppressive weight masked by the light lovey-dovey-ness of the heart fluttering, sexual excitement (which eventually ends)
...

but, what I want from a man doesn't come in the conventional "relationship" that you see on t.v. or the "relationship" that all of your friends and family are in...

what I want (and have ALWAYS wanted since I was like 17 years old)

is a friend that i love, and who loves me
is relatively faithful to a "relationship" of sorts...
--in other words, I don't want to wake up with an STD from a fool who is sleeping around with just any ol' thing in panties.

but he  has his own life
and I have my own life
we sleep together sometimes, but have beds in our own rooms too--and it's not "strange" or "awkward" or...'because we had a fight'  that we sleep separately sometimes...

in the mornings, and at dinner we have interesting conversations about the weather, news, and dreamy life stuff whenever we're together--and we laugh a lot about things.

most importantly:  have separate workspaces,lifestyles, and maybe even..separate friends.

we have so many things in common emotionally and spiritually, that we don't need to spend hours together because "all we have is each other.."

I don't want to be jealous, or over-bearing. I don't want to say "no" because I don't want anyone to ever ask me "can I do this....?" and likewise..I don't want to ask permission to go out, or see if someone wants to come with me, because...if they really wanted to come, they would.




sigh.

that's what I want. ya, I know...not going to happen...
but
the idea of sharing anything beyond intimacy has always been so scary to me, and maybe that's why I'll forever be single?
I take the part-time-princess idea and live it out in all avenues of my life...

I only want to be full-time for myself, and everything else is part time.
is that so wrong? does that make me naive? or extremely mature? lol...



hmm...
I just don't know anymore,
**Winnie.