to find something you didn't know you were looking for

Right after I graduated from college i had a huge artist block.
I didn't paint for almost 2 years, and when I did... it was extremely forced and lacked substantial depth.
It was like I was just painting to paint,
because i had to paint,
because I was taught to paint,
because I got my degree in painting
but not because i wanted to paint.

i decided to stop for awhile. 

In that break time, i crocheted, wrote stories/essays, read lots of interesting books,  and kind of dipped myself into other creative outlets...

finally one day, after i came back from california, I started to paint again.
And ideas came pouring out of me. Black lines drawings/paintings with abstracted portraits decorated with pattern after pattern after pattern...

as well all know:  I've moved towards birds, and still, if I sit down with a pen and paper in front of me, I could draw continuously.
The other day, it was 5 hours of continuous drawing: 10 drawings done.
In a working week: almost 35 drawings done...

I'm a factory of sorts, and i'm starting to see how that is affecting my artwork.

It was brought to my attention from a couple of people,  that my work has a "commercial" feel to it, and I agreed...brushing it off at first as nothing.

It does have a commercial feel, and in talking to friends, they want to make merchandise out of my work...

I realize there is nothing wrong with that, so shh...no words are needed.

but, in terms of art, and my career as an artist, i don't think i've ever reached the point of doing what is considered: "fine" art.
My personality and my artistic abilities have not yet reached that point, yet, and in taking in the criticism I've reached another block of sorts.

basically, right now, I don't want to do anything anymore.
yes, winnie can be a baby, too. 


(sigh)


There are things I think I am successful at, and things that I've been complimented on by my professors, and other people who's opinion I hold near and dear...
those things in which i am successful at are: nude paintings/portraits, and my poetry and writing.

With everything else, there is always "something missing" or "something more to be desired"
I lack a refinement in my work which will always hold it from being considered "fine-art"...
and trust me, I'm not an idiot, I recognize it.

(sigh)

 I lack the ability to push myself outside of the commercial realm into the fine-arts realm. I have yet to find the patience to create works of "fine art"

...it has been something I've struggled with my whole life in the arts...

Since elementary school, I've always been the first to finish art pieces. the work is always seen as "painterly" (somewhat sloppy) but always on time--and usually turned in with multiple iterations of the same project, always complete, and always one of the highest, if not the highest, grades in the class (I'm not braggin, it's the truth)

If an assignment was given 3 weeks to complete, I would finish within 5 days and end up turning in 10 variations of the same assignment, because that's how I work...
I am a factory, a made-in-china sticker...
tons of things are made, all of them work, but none of them hold real "quality"

sigh.

the limitations of personality...


no, no, no,
I'm  not giving up on art, and no, no, no, nothing dramatic will come of this. I won't be throwing away my painting supplies and/or ripping past pieces.
those days of taking criticism the wrong way have come to an end (thank god for occasional bouts of maturity)

but, what will happen is: I will go with my strengths.
I'm not a fine artist yet, and I have no claims to be one...

but, I can make tons of "commercial" art, so that's what I will do.
I no longer want to put down my strengths.
I have the ability to produce large amounts of work which, so far, a lot of people like... so that's what I'll do.
The elitism in art will always be there, and the "commercial" arts will always be on the chopping block, but, in the end, who gives a fuck. 

keep in mind, that I'm not  saying that I won't still try to refine my self and tweak/fine-tune my  shabby abilities.
I will do that, but in the mean-time...I am who I am...a commercial artist. not a fine artist.

until I get to the point where I am satisfied with the work I'm doing,
I will not enter my works or my soul into a place which I'm clearly not ready for.

**Winnie.