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10.23.2008

into dust


So my 24th year of life was packed.

25 is going smoothly, kind of.

I used to think that I could tell the difference between ages. When I was 21 I actually felt different from 20. 20 was "different" from 19. I liked 22 more than 23.
so on and so forth. There were "differences" there.

But, now, in retrospect, they were relatively all the same.

Now, I define my years by the people who have impacted them.
I look at the people that were significant during my years of age.

I could break it down from jan-december, and look at the year for what it is, but that just doesn't feel right. The world is "getting older" or whatever, but I'm stuck in the same age as the month before.

My new year began on september 1st.

From that day on, I've sorted through the things that took place during year 24. I took advantage of the time this month to analyze my additions and losses from august 31 2006-august 31, 2007. A kind of soul-inventory, so to speak.

24 was amazing. I was lucky enough to deal with intense emotions.


I felt the highest on the day of my art show--completely satisfied in all avenues. my family was present, my closest friends attended *with the exception of chris who ended up seeing the show afterwards*, david was there, frank was there...i was sincerely happy that day.
I look at the pictures from the show and think back to how happy I was...
how in love I was, not with just david, but with life. I don't think many things compare. It was a feeling of exhaustion and completion.

That event gives me the fuel to starting working--seriously working--on something so that I can feel that way again. Perhaps, nothing will match that specific event, but i don't mind having things come close.
I want to be in love again.




I want to be alone again, on my own doing whatever I want, again. I want to stay up all night painting and wake up the next morning tired, but ready. I want to crochet and embroider my works until my eyes hurt and my hands are numb. I want to have time to myself, and just to myself, I'm not up for sharing anymore.
I don't want to waste time. so, I won't.

For those that know me best, they understand. And, that's why they know me best, because they understand...
I can be the nicest person on the planet, but only after I've been the meanest. I need to push things away to see what's willing to stay, and those that have stayed are the few friends that I have.

I flake easily, I'm emotional, I don't return calls, I don't make calls, I (always) avoid calls, I lead a somewhat private life, I don't let a lot of people in, I leave the door closed--but it's unlocked. Only those who are willing to test the knob are the ones that get to sit by the fire.

It sucks, and I've been on the receiving end of a person who also pushed people away. I've been pushed, far far far, I've been avoided, my calls not taken. I waited 4 months to hear word from someone I was undeniably in love with, but if you really want to be with someone, (and "with" is not necessarily romantically, it's also emotionally/spiritually) you deal...or you lose.

Or as you say--,I lose..because it is my loss because you've gotten tired of me and left me.

I don't deny that you're right. I've lost some of the best people because of my erratic and overly sensitive ways, and I'm dealing with the loss...but it doesn't change the way I am. loving me means leaving me alone. plain and simple. I've also walked away from people who treated me the way I treat others. I didn't like waiting for recognition, I didn't like being pushed aside, I didn't like the feeling of being unwanted, I wanted to be 1 to him--but couldn't. His work and his life was 1...and so I said goodbye.
I was happy for awhile, but strangely enough, I want that person more than I've wanted before.

Picasso's assistant said it best, and it's paraphrased so leave me alone about the translation....but, it was basically, "Picasso treats me like shit--he gives away paintings that are meant for me, he doesn't pay me, he makes me do everything for him, but I stay and endure because If I didn't, I'd be one of those fools dying to be picasso's assistant."

I need time and space to work, and when I'm ready to come out and play, I will do so. You may think I'm selfish, but I never said I wasn't. I am very very very selfish. I play the game with my own rules and the rules are set up so that you'll lose. sorry. that's just the way I am.

I'm sure I'll regret it when I'm older, and single, living on the top of a mountain watching the sun set with a glass of white wine. But, so be it. This is the life that I'm choosing, stick around only if you want to.

**winnie.

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