Blog Archive

3.13.2009

love=optimus prime

love, the ultimate transformer.

This has been a crazy week.

I'm playing 3rd person to a heartbreak that is all too familiar. It's like watching my life on playback, but with different characters and a slightly different plot...

the heartache though, is pretty much a play-by-play real-life recreation.



***

david contacted me this week (during the heartbreak-playback)
and hearing his voice made me want to vomit. All of you oprah-strong-women fans will be disappointed to know that, i didn't feel sick because it was david who contacted me--It's not like the thought of him makes me sick (Mad, maybe--But not sick)

I felt sick because i didn't want it to start all over again.
Watching my best friend trying to make sense of the shattered glass which was once her heart, brought me back to a very sad and scary place.

To this day, when I think of my last *real* david encounter, my eyes water. I've tried, for 2 years, to let this fool pass through my life. And yes, I'm guilty, I have gotten weak a couple of times, and have *secretly* left the door open just enough for him to sneak in, but have regretted it immensely after the fact.

I used to rely on a fabricated connection, which I would brag about, but now all I'm left with is cords that tie me down to a person who shouldn't be tied. Cords which I have cut and re-tied too many times.

I think it's time to release myself from all of that shit, and truly free my heart to find what I"m really looking for: myself.

As my wise-momma said: what people learn from love is priceless. The amount of pain that you feel from a break-up is not the amount of love that is lost, but rather, it's the amount of love that is found. It is, maybe, the first time your heart and mind realize simultaneously the depth of your passion/love for another person. And the deeper the feelings, the deeper the happiness, the deeper the pain.
there is no amount of money that could possibly pay for that lesson.

And i totally--totally--totally agree. As the title states: love=optimus prime. Love will transform you into many things in it's presence and it's absence, a beautiful flower, to a greedy jealous fiend, to a sad crumpled piece of paper, to a strong powerful rock, and back to the silent caterpillar cocoon waiting to for the right time to open.

let the transformation take place.
we are all robots in disguise.

**Winnie.

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