sweetness, sweetness I was only joking...

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

so I haven't written in quite some time, huh?
I almost forgot about my blogspot until I passed my mouse over my toolbar and saw p.p light up.
So welcome back to the world, winnie. the world of sad sob-stories about unrequited love and all that other bull-shit that I'm so good at ranting about.

I'm not in a good mood.

My period is coming to a close, which means the tissue box comes down from the dresser and goes back to it's once permanent spot, right by my mattress.

I'm not going to have this whole blog center around the fact that I haven't talked to beau is like 2 weeks, and that somehow I feel it's my fault...because that would be all too predictable, right?

no, instead I'm going to beat around the bush and write about other things that have been "bothering" me.

the weather has been really fickle, and i don't have new clothes to feel "pretty" in. In fact, I haven't felt pretty in some time. I feel like a greasy gray raincloud, pregnant with rain and destruction.

I'm tired of not knowing what I want to do in life. I know there are no time limits on life, but can I get real for like 5 minutes? what is life but one big time limit? I feel like I need to sort shit out a.s.a.p before I'm turn 30 because I'm basically unsure about everything....

and I don't want to be a part-time punani, I either want to be unemployed (but married to a dream man..teardrop, shhhh....don't bring up his name) or totally enveloped in a career--like a teaching career in art, or something along those lines.

I think, in my last conversation with...shhhhhh... he had mentioned something like "you're one of those people who think they need school for everything." and although that was a big fucking dagger that I wasn't expecting to penetrate so deep, it did. I mean, he said it, what 3 weeks ago? and i'm still crying about it.

Am I one of those people?

(look at twiddling thumbs with small lifeless eyes)



maybe.




I feel like I've lost all creativity and drive. it's come down to the point where I can't just rely on my "on the job" knowledge, because I have none. And I feel like if I don't have a piece of paper saying I can do it, then all of a sudden I can't do anything.

college has a way of stealing your backbone from you, without you even knowing it. you get so tied up in making others feel stupid that you can't put yourself out there to feel stupid again--and it kinda sucks. It's a big " I know it all" thing, but haven't we learned anything from Socrates? the whole he who knows everything knows nothing at all--give me a break, it's paraphrased

But, whatever. I'm just talking bullshit to cover up the wounded beating thing inside of my dark cavity of a chest.

I've listened to prince's 'how come you don't call me anymore" a few times too many...

really, it could be (simply) that he's busy, and that maybe--just maybe..I should start getting busy instead of crying to my priceless purple princess' anthem about perfect denial "what I wanna know baby, if what we had was good...how come you dont' call me anymore??"....
teardrop.



anyway, if he's the right person things will work out right, and if he's not...you finish the rest.

love to you
**winnie.