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3.21.2010

it's a beautiful life.

it's taken me 3 months (and literally...150 million conversations) to figure this out...

I want a significant career, and it seems like teaching is the direction I'm going. it doesn't mean that I'm committing to elementary school teaching, but academia will be a part of my life, in some form or another.

I'm an artist, so I should pursue it, till the end.
I want my masters.

I want something significant in my love life. I don't want anything really light-hearted.
I'm not a light-hearted person, and i never will be. I put my passions into things that I desire, and that is how I've always been..in work, in art, and (obviously) in love.

when I find that it's pointless, i stop, but not until I find that it's pointless.
that's why I keep holding on to people, until i've analyzed and devoured them down to small pieces that I understand. Some people, are easily picked a part, and are easier to get over, where others have endless amounts for me to get my fingers excited.

and that leaves my current situation. it dawned on me, while staring at the ceiling for the 10 millionth time...

our wants were different.

he wanted "light-hearted, let's bang because I trust you don't have a disease, because i know you're not that type of girl, I'm just moving back, and starting a whole new direction in my life, so I don't need something serious in my life..." (which is what he said...lol)

and I wanted "oh my god, i love you...let's live together and have kids and I'll pay your bills and you never have to worry...." (which, ya...I know..is a little much)

my expectations have to drop a little, i know.

but more importantly!!

I have to start listening to people, and not to my version of what they are saying...
I could've been over this in october.
But noooooooooooooo, i insisted to think ..."no no no, you're right winnie....keep trying to pursue this" when he told me, STRAIGHT UP, in those exact words: "I don't want anything serious"

now that I know what i want (something significant) I can stop waiting around for someone who is searching for a light-hearted fling. because, in all of the hours I've thought about this, and waited for a phone call, and have looked at the ceiling...
he's probably had multiple flings...

and who's the foolish one?

I can hear things so well..i can spot a tune on volume 1 in a busy starbucks. I'm queen of name that tune, and all things dealing with super-sonic hearing, but my listening skills suck. lol.


**Winnie.

1 comment:

  1. winnie! omg girl i hellah feel you on this post, I recently went through something like this, and back on March 4th I performed at the first thursdays open mic at fresh cafe hosted by keaaloha,(you prolly been to the open mics or heard of them), but yeah I just had to perform cuz open mic so underground here cuz back at home(san francisco) i was in creative writing class, hip-hop- club, and would always perform every friday, so the first time i performed in Hawaii felt so good and the piece was kalled "Set free", its an after a heart break, moving on, women empowerment piece, and the krazy shit was that the doode it was about was there!(cuz 15 of our friends from the dorms came), yeah so when u get the chance add me on facebook Deanna Totaan, and when you scroll down my wall you'll see the video clip my friend recorded, i can't wait for you to see it!

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