Blog Archive


even tho, even tho, even tho...

i have forgotten what it feels like to have feelings for a person. lol.
isn't that sad?

Today, I was listening to stevie wonders' "I believe (when I fall in love with you it will be forever)" lol..had to write the whole title and sing it while typing...

anyway, while I was listening to, maybe, my most favorite love song in the whole entire universe...I tried to reflect back to the feelings I've had for people in my past, and I can't even recall what any of it feels like.

i don't even remember kissing/sex/hugs..anything. I mean, i remember slight sensations (and of course, the process) but as soon as a hard-core memory unfolds, a cold feeling of nausea comes over me, and I cringe and cover my face with my right hand, as if I'm trying to wipe the kisses away...

I remember moments in conversations..blah blah blah, but I can't remember anything else.

so effin' sad.

A big HUGE reason why could be because everything i was feeling was fabricated, and not real..and not worth a memory,
or the other plausible reason could be, it's been a long time since I've been in love... (lol) if I ever really was?

but, for the rest of the day, I kind of had this empty blah in my chest.

no, I don't need love to survive, and I'm not a silly hoe that needs to bang to feel important, but jesus christ...

*taps nails on table....*

what a strange emotion/issue to tackle.
at this point,  I don't even know HOW to act...because i am kinda-sorta-small-kine interested in someone...but, I can't initiate conversation. I definitely can't make the first move...
I don't know how...

all the other times, it started off super innocent, and without cause, but now...i just feel stupid and shame.
and i want to end the game wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy before the players are even chosen.
and I want to hide in a cave and rot away like an old spinster bat (which I'm foreseeing as a possible future for me...)

I also realized, if I can't be myself in front of someone else, then maybe it's best to be by myself. hi, tongue twister.

so many stupid things to think about, and so little time.
laters, gators.


No comments:

Post a Comment


facebook peeps