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even tho, even tho, even tho...

i have forgotten what it feels like to have feelings for a person. lol.
isn't that sad?

Today, I was listening to stevie wonders' "I believe (when I fall in love with you it will be forever)" lol..had to write the whole title and sing it while typing...

anyway, while I was listening to, maybe, my most favorite love song in the whole entire universe...I tried to reflect back to the feelings I've had for people in my past, and I can't even recall what any of it feels like.

i don't even remember kissing/sex/hugs..anything. I mean, i remember slight sensations (and of course, the process) but as soon as a hard-core memory unfolds, a cold feeling of nausea comes over me, and I cringe and cover my face with my right hand, as if I'm trying to wipe the kisses away...

I remember moments in conversations..blah blah blah, but I can't remember anything else.

so effin' sad.

A big HUGE reason why could be because everything i was feeling was fabricated, and not real..and not worth a memory,
or the other plausible reason could be, it's been a long time since I've been in love... (lol) if I ever really was?

but, for the rest of the day, I kind of had this empty blah in my chest.

no, I don't need love to survive, and I'm not a silly hoe that needs to bang to feel important, but jesus christ...

*taps nails on table....*

what a strange emotion/issue to tackle.
at this point,  I don't even know HOW to act...because i am kinda-sorta-small-kine interested in someone...but, I can't initiate conversation. I definitely can't make the first move...
I don't know how...

all the other times, it started off super innocent, and without cause, but now...i just feel stupid and shame.
and i want to end the game wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy before the players are even chosen.
and I want to hide in a cave and rot away like an old spinster bat (which I'm foreseeing as a possible future for me...)

I also realized, if I can't be myself in front of someone else, then maybe it's best to be by myself. hi, tongue twister.

so many stupid things to think about, and so little time.
laters, gators.


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