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the salvation I desire keeps getting me down

today marks 15 years since my dad has left this world to enter the universe.

it's funny, today in a conversation with friends, the topic of  "being okay" was brought up, and i must say, i haven't been "okay"  for 15 years.

there is a void inside of my chest that has yet to be filled.
and i think that's why I kind of blew up today, because.... sometimes  hearing "everything will be okay" just makes me mad.

do you know how many people have told me that "everything will be okay?" from the day my dad died until now?
I've heard it all and more...
"Everything is okay, now" 
"you'll be okay, soon..."
"time heals all wounds.."
"In the end everything will be okay..."
"Now, it's all better, you're okay now, right? "

Who can be the judge of when things are "okay" ?
is it when other people think you've come to terms with something, or is it when you've come to terms with it?
And how do you come to terms with something you'll never understand?

sometimes time doesn't heal, and sometimes scars still cause a flashback of all of the pain that was felt.

It's hard to blanket things with that statement, because the reality of it is sometimes "ok" isn't good enough.

and, I feel badly for getting so upset,, i'm not okay.


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