It's cloudy and cold. I have an eartha kitt rendition of "catch the wind" ...totally matches the mood.
Up until these last few moments, my heart would beat a little faster as I went to check the mail. a "maybe" would linger in the back of my mind. But, as of now, 6:01pm, I've officially given up.
no more hopes, just reality.
I've tried, I made my effort, I put my hand out and hoped that you would shake it, but you haven't, and I can only hold it out for so long. I had my reasons and you have yours.
Up until now, I thought, this wasn't supposed to happen this way, things weren't supposed to be this way. We were supposed to enjoy these cold days together==as friends or as lovers or just next to each other.
But, as of now, I realize that "supposed to" doesn't work in the land of non-fiction.
There is nothing pre-told, there are no scripts or descriptions to follow, there are just decisions made and things that follow. And so yes, I may as well try to catch the wind, because it's pointless to keep going on like this. It's not only sad, but stupid.
I talked to alyson about this last night, and it became crystal clear that you were a selfish coward. And, in knowing you, I too became a selfish coward, afraid to let you know me beyond the surface, afraid to talk to you about my feelings, and afraid to deal with any consequences. In not knowing you, i'm much more able to deal with things, and I'm able to let people know me--no matter how lame I may be.
You knew me from what you wanted to know, and from blogs you read, but you never took the time or made the effort to know me. And in some strange way, in knowing you, I started to know less and less about myself. I became as translucent as the wind, difficult to see and only felt through passing...
For the past couple of days, I wondered if I still had the ability to "bounce back" from situations. Is it possible to ever bounce back from you? The answer, of course, is yes. I just have to learn how to let the ball go so that it'll bounce back to the hand that cares for it the most--my own hand. I thought you had all the answers, that you would solve all the problems, and that you would make me happy...really really really happy.
But, it was unfair of me to even expect that, not just of you, but of anyone.
You're capable of doing that for yourself, and you're going to find someone (if you haven't already) to whom you can compliment. But, that person is not me, and in your mind, it never was.
It's sad that it's taken me this long to really take it in, but it's better than never. I'm going to start 2008 without you in my mind, and I'm going to end 2007 without you in my heart. I wish I could just drop the melodrama, but trust me, there are no tears and/or bad feelings behind these words. If there is anything at all, then there is a lot of clarity and sincere understanding behind this epiphany of sorts.
All I can hope from this whole experience is that both of us will grow up.
I will always be concerned of your well-being, but, my concern will not consume me. You will become just another soul in the world, as I am to you. Goodnight.