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depressed, just unhappy?

so I spent a majority of today crying.

no direct deposit=a wasted day, and a wasted life.
that means my bills will have to wait ONE more week before they're paid, and...I can say hello to my old friend, the "late fee"
I mean this, with no sincerity at all, thanks for caring...for really caring about your "dear friend" winnie.

I don't want to go back to hawaii, and i think I may've hurt my mom's feelings tonight. She was basically saying that, yes, right now...I am a loser. I pretty much had it all in hawaii...i had a good paying job, access to a car, I had murals lined up, I lived rent free (with a guy I hated) and *ding, ding, ding* I had insurance.
she asked me if I wanted to go back to keiki o ka aina, and try to get my old job back....which I'm SO sure I could do. I could probably even ask for a pay raise....

But, let's not go down that old road...AGAIN. This is the decision I made, and I'm dealing with it. I'm a sales girl---no glam and definitely NO glory, but somehow it's better than my hawaii life. How, I have yet to find out...

Once again, I'm going to have to do my daily-ritual-pep-talk: "Don't let your job define you"
but, after working my ass off to make a store look presentable to people I have yet to meet, it just all seems in vain. My back hurts after every shift, and I'm lying to a larger company so my friend can get paid to "work from home."
Isn't life great?

But you know what, instead of turning into some type of broken record and crying about all of the mistakes I've made by not applying for other jobs before getting to california, I'm just going to stick it out. I didn't come to california to be a fucking baby, I came here to be an artist. And perhaps I forgot, because I've always lived with family, that artists have it hard, but that's the lifestyle I signed up for.

My life, from this point on, will be filled with shitty jobs to pay rent and to put food on the table, but, I have to market myself so that it's not totally a big waste of time.
That's what it is: that's why I'm so depressed... I feel like I"m wasting my time. I'm beyond over qualified for my job, and the majority of my day is spent there....

I'm going to apply to schools and to other jobs...and with this pay check that's probably going to get lost in the mail, I'm going to by canvas and start painting, because I'm not good at losing...and right now, I'm losing. I'm losing time, and I feel like I'm losing credibility. I feel like I've lost all of my smarts and that I'm throwing away my education. I'm like 30,000 dollars in debt due to my education, and all I can show for all of that money is a sales job.

can I just start crying, again.

I know I've only been here for a month, and maybe I'm being a little hard on myself? but, I just expected SO much more than this.

I'm going to make it. Think: mary tyler moore.
I'm going to make it, after all.



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