Blog Archive

10.23.2008

dream, dream, dream your time away

I don't know how many of you watch "house" on fox (every tuesday night)...but, I do. And, let me tell you, the music on the show is excellent. Who ever has the sound-coordinator position should get a pay raise.
"could we survive" by joseph arthur, and "dark road" by annie lennox are new favorites, thanks to House.

anyway.

the last couple days (days off from work) i've had some time to think about my choices in men.
...Obviously my choices are reflections of myself (because deep down inside, we all love ourselves) But, the men I choose to love/like are...
1) inconsistent
2) borderline crazy
3) educated (or at least, them seem educated)
4)well spoken
5) ultimately unwilling to commit to anyone other than themselves.
6) determined to do what is on their agenda...
7) amazing in their own way

...have I just defined myself? maybe...with an emphasis on 7.
But, I'm rarely attracted to those who are stable, successful, or/and overly lovey-dovey.
I like those who like themselves. I like those who have hobbies, who don't spend days thinking of me--but rather think of their "projects"
(me, me, me)

but, that doesn't equal intimacy, or at least, conventional intimacy. And that leaves me feeling less than (<), when I compare** myself to others. (**can I just write 10 million different blogs about the problems of comparing my life to others? Oh wait...I have.)

I mean, in some ways, I still really like the "idea" of who david was to me.
Yes, yes, yes...I know. I know. I know. I know. you don't have to say it. I know.
I'm far removed from the situation, so I can (finally) see it (somewhat) objectively.

He was the WRONG person to fall for--and his strange ways lead to serious heartbreak, but...you know, in terms of things I liked:
he played chess (well), he had a serious writing hobby, wonderful conversationalist, and lived the way he wanted to live--no matter who said what. I liked that....

same with frank: serious hobby (art), interesting conversations which made me smile, lived the way he wanted (went through a cross dressing thing), and had cool choices in music.

those were the 2 I reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly liked a lot--at times, loved (with a little "l")

but, these things go both ways.
I'm sure they liked the fact that
1) I'm cool
2) I have good taste in music (...you can argue that, but do it on your free time...don't cloud my blogs with more negativity)
3) I was (and, still am) understanding to their strangeness
4) and that I too, had my own things going on (even though.......I don't know if it showed as much?)

I mean, I guess.........if I take the seriousness out of it: we made really good "art" friends. If I managed to keep my feelings out if it---we would've still been a great pair of friends. friend who totally loved each other---all parts...all elements of each others essence--best friends (kind of....I mean, with the exception to our "actual" best friends)

But, as we all know, in both cases....my friendships have ended.

I wanted toooooo much from it--and I didn't enjoy it for what it was--I can't marry/bang my art friend. that would've expended the total "love" and cheapened the pureness of the interaction, but, at the time--even though I preached it until my face turned color, that's what I wanted.
I wanted to be in love rather than enjoy what I loved.

(epiphany)

I made it seem as though I was some type of martyr or love....when really, I didn't understand the *real* specialness of my loves.

I suppose all's well that end's well...but, it didn't end well...and maybe that's why I'm still unwell about the whole situation.


: (


maybe I just have too much time?

anyway: download "dark road" from annie lennox. it's beeeeeeauuuuutiful.

**Winnie.

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