Blog Archive


she just can't be chained, to a life where nothing's gained and nothing's lost...

goodbye ruby tuesday.

so I've decided, from this point on, to stop worrying about EVERYTHING so much. I mean, If (for some fated reason) I don't find another job, then i'm going back to hawaii. simple as that.

As I've said so many many many times, if it's not easy, it's not meant to be. And perhaps that's a little naive, but you're not living my life, so keep your mouth shut.
I don't like struggling, and I don't like hardship. I don't like fine lines, and I don't like feeling like I'm going to vomit uncontrollably alllllllllllllllll day long. life doesn't have to be a struggle, and it doesn't have to be unbelievably difficult.

yes, yes, yes, the grass is always greener. And I know I felt similar to that in hawaii (with joe) I know, I know, I know. keep quiet will ya?
but, I just need to figure shit out. I'm tired of living up to some ideal that never happened for anyone. Let's not forget, everyone who has said shit about my life and my decisions has also went back home because they couldn't "make it" either.
So...hush with that shit, please.

So, unless the stars which fall from above grant my every wish: a job that doesn't require me to babysit little bitches like austin, a job that pays well (enough for rent, food, and some crafting/painting materials), a job that doesn't require me to pay--out of my pocket--almost 120$ for a TB clearance, a health screening, and a live scan test, and a job that gives me responsibility--without completely undermining my education, then I'm saying sayonara gray-air.

I've completely given up on looking for a job that offers insurance, or a job that has any type of benefits.

maybe I'll go back to school and get my training in fashion or in graphic design. I'll save the masters degree for when I ready to apply (and get in to) a school that matters. I just need to get the tools to do the right things.

And on top of that, I don;t think I "want" a masters degree right now.

.I just want extra training so that I can be cool with my decisions making. I think, what has bothered me (so far) in being out here, is that I don't have what I need to get what I want. I have just enough to be qualified for things that don't mean much..but I'm over-qualified for the cool, stupid, mindless jobs (like starbucks, urban outfitters, and supermarkets) but waaaaay under-qualified for design jobs, fashion jobs, and museum positions...

I'm in a purgatory of sorts, and I need to find a way out. I want to go back and get fashion/carpentry training so that I can do set design.
It's (finally) starting to make sense.

So, this is the big decision making period....
if I don't find another job, or if another opportunity fails to bask in my rays of light, then I'm going to find my own light to bask in. I'm tired of feeling like shit.


happy new year, everyone.



  1. whatever happens, happens, right?
    it's all for the best. if you end up right back where you started, so be it. there's no shame in taking the easy route, and if i knew that it was easier to live here, then i'd pack up all my things and come back too.

    no sense in struggling.

    tell all your critics to piss off. you're the one who has to pay rent, not them.

    i know you're not definitely sure if you're staying or going, but if you do come home, you probably won't have to deal with clogged pores and smile lines.

    **go team winnie, go!

  2. nothing wrong with coming home. you learn to appreciate what you had when you no more 'em (wasn't that a Poison song?) LA's full of overambitious self-absorbed people with unrealistic delusions of grandeur. You either become hardened and lose yourself trying to tolerate them, or you just become one of them. Just bring what you learned back with you, and share it with everyone in what you create.

    If you do decide to stick it out, if it don't kill you, it makes you smell stronger.



facebook peeps