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I remember that everyday I get a little bit closer to you...

**note to readers: I typed this out a couple of days ago, and forgot to hit post. I don't know if my feelings are as strong as when I first typed it out...but whatever. that's the beauty of blog writing. As my cosmic sister said once "blog writing is like taking a shit...once it's out, you feel so much better." which I followed up with "but isn't funny how it's all a waste?"

if you take offense to it, which you shouldn't...but if you do: sorry.
It needed to come out so that I can keep my soul "regular" and not constipated. :)

read on...**

I used to think that "closer to you" (from the wallflowers, and also a beautiful rendition by cassandra wilson) was like a mysterious love song...
but, I now think it's much deeper than that.

I'm going through a gross "oh my god I'm almost 30" soul/self-searching thing...again.
and I feel like there is something I need to address...

i'm a liar of sorts.

I have to let a "secret" fly into the wind of conversation, so that maybe it'll finally blow away.

I was, and still am, overly sensitive about the frank thing. don't ask me why, because I can't explain it in words, but I am...
and when people bring it up, I'm deeply bothered by it. so much so where I'll actually hold a "grudge" of sorts, which is maybe why my chest has been so heavy since the day I've turned 28.

 I wish I never found out, and hate the fact that I did. I can't stand the fact that I know the truth about him, and I hate the fact that me knowing about stupid-wishy washy frank has shown me a side people  that I really don't care for.

I disliked that asshole way before he decided to cut his man-parts off, but now..out of some strange sort of guilt for hating a broken man/"liberated woman", I no longer feel comfortable saying I hate him.

I've pretty much have went into hiding by leaving my phone on silent because i never ever ever ever ever want to hear frank's name ever again. Not because he's a fucking woman now, but because before 8/31/2009  he is a part of my past...which is what I liked, but as of recent: people who I didn't even tell (and who I can almost guarantee dont' read this blog) are asking me about "how I'm dealing with it..." do you put something to rest when it keeps coming up when you least expect it?

so..if the truth will set me free, then let it be known:If you talk to me about the frank thing, it'll probably be the last conversation we have for a long time.

 and if you're wondering where I've been because I've all of a sudden showed up as missing on your radar, it's because I'm dealing with shit.

if you're offended by this blog, but still want to be my friend, then do me a favor, and don't tell anyone else who'll call me/text me/ or talk to me about frank, because for the first time in my life, talking about it doesn;t make it any better...


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